Why You Need A Dating “Make Or Break” ListFeb 01, 2023
If you’ve ever felt dissatisfied with your dating life, you’re not alone. It’s easy to get lost in a web of wasted evenings, Dates who are clearly a bad fit, and discouragement at ever finding that special someone. This is where having a “Make or Break” list can make all the difference.
Have You Been On A Bad Date Lately? 🛎
Being on a bad date is hard. You arrive at the chosen location, hopes high, only to have them dashed by a superficial, inauthentic, dull, or uncomfortable interaction. And the sad part is, this isn’t the first time this has happened.
Are Your Dates Going Nowhere? 🖤
First dates can be fun, but if you’re truly looking for that special person, having first dates week after week can feel an awful lot like going to a plethora of job interviews, and never landing the job.
While some people date just for fun, most of us are truly looking for something more meaningful. We date to get to know potential partners so we can see if they’re spouse material. Because of this, it’s frustrating when dates keep going nowhere. You put in the time, try to be yourself and have meaningful interaction, and the date ends as flat as a pancake with one thought running through your head: “That is NOT who I’m going to marry someday.” You walk away wondering why this keeps happening.
Do You Feel Like You’re Dating The Same Kind Of Person Over And Over Again? 😳💔🌪
I’ve talked to many people who are frustrated with the caliber of people they date. Ironically, many of them eventually realized they were dating the same kind of person over and over again. Though frustrating, this isn’t uncommon.
In our minds, we have a picture of what our ideal partner looks like. When someone comes along who resembles that picture, we jump at the chance to spend time with them. But after a short time, we realize the frosting we were so attracted to is covering a flavor of cake we don’t care for. Maybe there’s even some mold hidden beneath that we never imagined could be there. This is hard. We have such high hopes that this time will be different, but our mental picture keeps blinding us to the flaws or lack of character we discover later on, and we’re forced to hit the brakes in yet another relationship.
Our Goal Is To Help You Screen And Avoid Unnecessary Dates ✅
All of this can be extremely difficult. This emotional rollercoaster can be draining, and nudge you farther toward cynicism than you’d like.
Our goal is to help you cut down on these dead end dates, and help you make meaningful connections with viable candidates by using something called “filtration.”
How To Always Have A Good Date - Even If You Don’t Go On A Second Date 💐
“Filtration” is a marketing term that refers to redirecting bad fits on the front end of an interaction. You might think it’s odd that any company would purposefully turn potential customers away, but it’s incredibly common. In fact, without filtration, a company experiences much higher levels of frustration, and wasted time and money. In a lot of cases, it makes more sense for the company to use filtration to say, “We won’t be a good fit to work together, so let’s not waste each other’s time.”
Let’s see what we can learn from their approach. Realistically, what are the benefits of going into a date that dead ends, and frustrates both of you in the process? There aren’t many.
There’s a way you can avoid frustration and always have a good first date, but it’s not by going on every date that’s available to you. It starts by carefully choosing dates according to your values. Your guide here is your List.
“What list?” you say? I’m glad you asked.
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Before You Date, Make A List Of Your Top 10 Must Haves And Can’t Stands ✏️❤️
In his book, Date or Soul Mate, Neil Warren encourages creating a list of 10 “Must Haves” and 10 “Can’t Stands” for your future partner. It may sound formulaic to create a list related to something as personal as dating, but really, it’s just helping you give your relationships the weight they deserve. Finding that special someone is important. It’s worth putting in the time and effort to help the process run more smoothly with less stress, less frustration, and better results.
Creating a list of your top Must Haves allows you to know if someone’s the right fit for you on a deep level. These are the true non-negotiables that if they aren’t present, it’s a deal breaker. These depend on the person, but they could be things like emotional honesty, thoughtfulness, diligence, self-control, a common faith, and a strong sense of humor. You’ll want to limit this to your top 10, since listing more than that may narrow your prospects by too much.
Making a list of your top Can’t Stands is just as important as your Must Haves. We all know too many people who compromised when it came to their partner’s flaws, and now regret the turmoil they’ve put themselves and their family through.
Here’s the thing about these lists. You need to make them before you start pursuing a serious relationship. Why? Because once you’re in the middle of a relationship, the chances of you breaking it off because of what a piece of paper says are slim. This is a person you know fairly deeply, and have a relationship with. It feels so much deeper than some sterile, objective list that doesn’t know who this person truly is. But that’s just the reason you need something outside of yourself to keep you on track. Emotions are powerful things, and they often cause us to overlook flaws in our potential partners that we’d be able to quickly point out if it was our friend’s Date. But by the time we’re in the relationship, it often takes a long time or something explosive for us to truly be able to see those obvious flaws objectively through our lovestruck eyes.
Your Future Spouse Will Never Be Perfect 😇
It is important to remember that no one is perfect, and you can’t expect someone to be. Nothing kills healthy relationships faster than a barrage of expectations demanding that someone change. Love needs to be the center of the relationship without the demand to change. If change is truly needed, Love allows you the courage to help your partner walk through their struggles and see them into a better future.
Finding the perfect person to marry isn’t the goal. Finding someone you can fully share your life with is. They don’t have to be perfect, but must be willing to continue to learn and grow with you as you journey through life together. Someone who is stuck in one emotional state, and has been for years should switch on a warning in your brain. They need to at least be growing to be someone you can journey through life with.
That being said, there will be many quirks and differences you’ll have as partners. Keeping this in mind will help you avoid a lot of heartache down the road, and enjoy the uniqueness each of you possesses. With patience and grace, you’ll learn to live with and even enjoy the little things that otherwise would drive you crazy.
Never Compromise On Your “Make Or Break” Dating List 🤝
Your Make or Break List is your most valuable tool as you enter the dating game. Without it, you’ll be stuck in an endless loop of dead end dates.
But, when you see how much your pool of potential partners shrinks when you apply your list to them, it can be tempting to get nervous, and question your resolve. Out of so few people, how can you ever find that special someone? Here’s what you have to remember. The point of having a list is to narrow down your search. You don’t want thousands of people to pick through to see who’s the right fit. You want to narrow it down to the few, most likely candidates. The list helps you do that.
Common Must Haves ✅
- Sense of Humor. I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
- Affectionate. I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
- Loyal. I must have someone I can count on to always be in my corner.
- Chemistry. I must feel deeply in love and attracted to my partner.
- Communicator. I must have someone who is good at both talking and listening.
- Responsible. My partner must be financially responsible.
- Family Life. I must have a partner who is committed to marriage, home, and family.
- Optimistic. I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.
- Ambitious. I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy and able to share a stable life with someone else.
- Passionate. I must have someone who is willing to explore our sexual desires with passion and understanding.
Common Can't Stands ❌
- Lying. I can’t stand someone who lies to anyone—especially to me.
- Cheating. I can’t stand someone who takes advantage of people.
- Infidelity. I can’t stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
- Poor Hygiene. I can’t stand someone who is not clean.
- Rude. I can’t stand someone who is belittling, impatient, or hateful to people in any situation.
- Mean-Spirited. I can’t stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
- Drugs. I can’t stand someone who uses illegal recreational drugs.
- Angry. I can’t stand someone who can’t manage his or her anger, who yells or bottles it up inside.
- Undependable. I can’t stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
- Racist. I can’t stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which he or she belongs is superior to the rest of humanity.
How To Go On A Date And Not Interrogate 🤓☕️
Interrogating your date is a turn off. While you do need to find out some important things about them, peppering them with questions like an FBI agent in a TV show won’t end well. Here are a few things to keep in mind when asking questions.
Respect Each Other - Even If You Only Go On One Date, You Can Still Enjoy Getting To Know Someone
Keep your date light and fun. It doesn’t have to be serious and deep right away. Just do your best to get to know the other person in an authentic way.
Also, do what you can to make the other person feel special. This isn’t a highschool football tryout. This is a person with dreams, feelings, and a life they want to share with someone. Treat them respectfully and in a way that, at the end of the date, you’d be proud of how you acted.
Both Of Your Time Is Valuable - Intentionally Ask Questions To See If You Share Enough Of Your Top 10 To Go On A Second Date
While having a good time and getting to know the other person, keep in mind that you’re doing some probing for compatibility. You’re trying to see if this person meets enough of your top 10 Must Haves to warrant a second date. Because if not, it’s not worth wasting time for both of you by pursuing something you know isn’t going to work.
Use This Date To Sharpen Your Question Asking Skills For The Next Person You Date
Each date is an opportunity to get better at asking good questions to learn more about the other person, and assess if they could be a potential partner. This will save you and future Dates valuable time as you learn to eliminate unnecessary second dates.
Asking the right questions is a skill that takes time to develop, but here are a few things to keep in mind when asking your Date questions.
Learn about their family, and pay attention to how they talk about them. Family can be a tough issue, but so much of how we treat our future families is dependent on how we’ve interacted with our family in the past.
Ask open ended questions. Asking questions that require one word answers makes for pretty boring conversation, and really doesn’t help you get a great feel for the person you’re talking to. Leave it open for them to answer how they naturally would, and you’ll learn a lot more about them.
Be sure to listen to understand, not just to respond. Clarify what you think your Date is saying by repeating back to them what you think you heard. This will show them you’re truly listening, will help you have more complete information, and will allow them to open up more.
Want more ideas for great questions to ask? Download our free list of questions here. ⬇︎
Don’t Date The Same Type Over And Over Again If They Don’t Share Your Make And Breaks
It can be tempting to date someone just because you kind of like them, or enjoy their company. However, you’re just setting yourself up for heartache or a tough conversation later on if you know up front this isn’t going to be your life partner.
You Are Powerful. Act Like It
Instead of compromising, recognize that you have the power to do what’s best for you and the other person, even if they aren’t willing to. If you know the relationship isn’t going to work out, have the courage to break it off before it gets even more difficult. Remember, if you know this relationship isn’t the right one, then that means the right one is on the other side of it. Do the right thing for both of you and move on.
This can be incredibly difficult, so it could be a good idea to find a third party you can confide in who gets it, and can help you stick to your values.
You Will Only Meet Your Future Spouse Quicker If You Stick To Your List
You might think that by using a list and eliminating so many options, you’re dooming yourself to singleness forever. But really, you’re setting yourself up for success.
Unless you have incredibly unrealistic expectations (a wise, older friend can help you determine that), then chances are, your person is out there. By using a list to get laser focused on what you’re looking for, you’ll be able to pass on unnecessary second or third dates, and have a much better eye for that special person when you see them. Though you won’t know exactly how they’ll look, or what their specific personality will be (and that’s part of the fun), they’ll seem familiar to you in a deeper way because of the values you share. When you find them, you’ll clearly see that you’re compatible with them on the things that truly matter.
💥 Make a list of your Top Tens
💥 Buy and read the book, Date or Soul Mate by Neil Warren
💥 Read our partner blog on dating here
PRODUCTS TO SUPPORT
If you’ve been dating for a while, you may find yourself becoming discouraged. But now is not the time to give up. You’re closer than you’ve ever been to finding that special someone, and by creating a Make or Break list, you’re giving yourself an extra boost in the right direction. Don’t settle for less just because finding the right person is taking longer than you thought it would. You’re worth putting in the time and effort to find the most compatible partner possible.
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